Battle of the Rotary Fast Foods

As per usual, if you ain't interested in whatever dipshit content I happen to have vomit this week, just scroll on down to the NFL Recapulations!

Growing up, there was a rotary dubbed, the Ayer Rotary. Well, it goes by a more official name as well: Frederick Carlton Circle. Come the holidays, it has some really pretty decorations and lights all set up. Around it are a number of local companies that truly are institutions for the area:

• Ford Gervais
• Jack O'Lantern Package Store
• That turn off where the Boy Scouts sold Christmas Trees
• Another liquor store that no one really went to

And of course,

• Wendy's
• McDonald's

Later in life, a KFC showed up, closed, and became Taco Bell. But I'm going to focus on the two most essential of businesses that surrounded that rotary:

That McDonald's.

And that Wendy's.

So Rachel and I decided to pay them a visit, order some of our favorite nostalgia-rich foods from our younger years and actually compare them on the spot. Would this be definitive? No. Would there be some hypothesis made? God no. Would there be a control and experimental group? Come the fuck on.

But we had enjoyed a flight of Clover Road Brewing's finest IPAs and decided that it would be an entertaining way for me to get some much needed content.

Before I just jump into the deep end, I just wanted to provide all of you who may not be familiar with these two fine establishments some context as to what they had going for them:

McDonald's

As far as I can remember, this shit (along with the Wendy's) has existed - and due to its long lifespan it has gone through a number of evolutions. Long gone are the photos pre-Playplace, but I was able to dig up some when it carried that old nostalgic look we all grew up with:

I mean, look at that monstrous playplace. Of course, it was completed when my ass was too old to play in it, which was probably for the best given that most of them are just vessels for poopoo and peepee particles.

At that point in my life, I was too busy getting absolutely toasted and struggling to order the same damn thing off the menu that I always ordered: the number 2.

But fast forward a decade or two, and look at what they've done to my boy:

It's just so ... soulless. Shit man, that font is so god damn sterile. How can any child have fun in a place reads like a monotone voice?

They've even installed the big ol' high definition screens you can place your orders from. Sure, they're pretty neato and responsive when you order with them, but fuck if they are completely and absolutely devoid of personality. I swear to god these telescreens are subliminally demanding you order more food than you should probably find yourself in possession of.

Shit man, they even actually use both drive-thru windows! I feel like most every single fast food restaurant I would use would never have both windows operating. One would just be filled in with cardboard or some shit.

Wendy's

Ahhhh. Good ol' Wendy's. The favorite of so many of my stoner friends (I was partial to McDonald's and that fantastic number 2). While it's probably just as old as that McDonald's, it has gone through zero changes since its inception.

Just look at this beautiful abomination:

You can't even tell the front from the fuckin back - just a glorious construction of the oldest damn bricks you ever done seen.

However, I can't continue until I come clean with everyone: it had undergone changes. But only internally.

It had the one. The only.

THE SUPERBAR

I'm sure the food was a nightmare, but this 90s kid will always look back on making garbage tacos at my Wendy's, fondly.

TIME TO JUDGE RONALD'S MCDONALD

OK. Back to the judging.

To begin, Rachel and I ordered ourselves the latest version of the number 2 - now it's called the number 7 (inflation has hit us all), and it's not $4 and change, it's fucking $9.29.

And we also picked up a side of 6 chicken nuggies and a medium(?) - maybe a large - fries.

We placed our order all futuristically, was congratulated and shit,

And began the judgment.

Nuggies

I know they upgraded them fuckers in like 2002 from whatever fried blobs of "chicken-esque meatery" they had before, but I had never actually contemplated their deliciousness. And delicious they were. But that was probably whatever chemicals they decided to inject into them before handing us our product.

Rachel couldn't be bothered to even grade them. Easily third place out of the three items we picked up.

6/10

Fries

Fucking delicious. I mean, everyone knows McDonald's fries are that perfect combination of maybe-potato, salt, meat-grease, and crack-cocaine. It's almost cheating how consistently good they are. I almost wished I could supersize them fuckers still, but then I remembered I'm 40 and am going to fucking hate myself for eating 5 at a time.

8/10

Cheeseburgers

Kings stay kings. One of the first reasons I fell in love with Rachel was during some drunken anecdote-telling, we both realized that not only did we remember them by their birthname (Number 2), but that order was both of our favorites growing up.

It's a long and storied history of that meal showing up on that menu, eventually finding their way off the menu being replaced by some horseshit between two buns and requiring any prospective orderers to request "the two cheeseburger meal" like some shithead, to eventually finding their way back ON to the menu during the expansion era of drive-thru menu items.

11/10

Misc Mentions

It was fun hanging out in the parking lot, where you can always find at least 8 people vaping at any moment in time and your chance of being brutally murdered rises by 25%. It's truly a magical place.

TIME FOR SOME WENDY'S

OK. Time for the second location. Time for Wendy's. It's going to be a tough showing for that red-headed bitch, but I think our stoner choices will put up a good fight against that god damn piece of shit clown.

The drive-thru itself was hilariously outdated. That shit was not just frozen in fucking time, it was a hilarious look back to when we all used to actually be happy, excited for the future, and all the incredible memes you're the man now dog dot com would bestow on the World.

When you had to put in the smallest effort to find free porn on the internet.

When kazaa and morpheus allowed you to either download the entire Hoobastank discography, or completely destroy your home computer and whatever network it happened to be on because you didn't realize the filename ended in .mp3.exe

No animations. Nothing special. Barely audible speakers. It was beautiful.

And to give it even more authenticity:

They don't even use one of their two drive-thru windows - because they keep it real for us asshole millennials.

So what contestants did we run into for this?

Fries

Meh. Potatoey. Salty. Whatever. They're like BK fries in that they fatten you the fuck up, are loaded with super unhealthy bullshit, but just don't go that extra mile that have you dying to eat more.

Shit, I was kinda vibin' on a nice streak of tasty fries and then grabbed one of those thick uncooked ones - you know the ones I'm talking about, they're a little too chewy because they're still mostly potato and haven't had their soul completely cooked out. Shit fucking sucked.

5/10

Junior Bacon Cheeseburger

Now. Let me preface this with the fact that when we were much younger, this shit used to be the King of Shit Mountain, as in, it was the shit. It was the dominating face of the 99 cent menu. My ass would smoke way too much shitty New England weed from some glass piece that was purchased from Headlines, then while listening to the latest TOOL cd find myself at the Wendy's drivethru with some other degenerate friends of mine. We'd each order like, two or three of these fucking monstrocities for $3 and just absolutely shred these fuckers.

Well.

I can't really speak to whether the quality has changed or what, but jesus fucking christ they are just sad.

Taking the first few bites from one reminded me of that time I booted up Goldeneye on N64 a handful of years ago, fueled by over a decade of nostalgia.

My memories of pixel-perfect player models, incredible framerates, and tight controls were nothing but brain-lies.

How the ever-loving fuck did we play that first person shooter with only a single joystick?? We had to fuckin use those four yellow "camera" buttons to walk around.

Anyway, the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger was fucking horrific. The bun was the cheapest white bread ever conceived. The bacon was .. well .. present. The beef? Well, it was eaten.

Rachel was mildly terrified when I told her how many of those fuckers I'd eat in a sitting.

3/10

Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Now this. I wish I had eaten more of these growing up. This was Rachel's choice and boy, it was a fucking winner. Holy shit it was so fucking good. So meaty. So spicy. So full of life and crunch. The buns were thicc. It was a god damn legit sammy we had in our hands.

I think it affected Rachel even moreso. Its potent flavor made her black out for a minute or two from the intense nostalgia of traveling back to senior year in high school when she'd get this shit Biggie sized and actually enjoy the consequence of a burning asshole.

I could go on and disgust the fuck out of all of you, but words will simply never convey the incredible nature of such a chikky sammy.

10/10

The Verdict

Stay the fuck away from this garbage holy shit. Maybe when I was a teenager or in my 20s and I could melt the weight away while also pounding 18 beers per night every weekend, but today? At 40? Fuck that shit. I could feel the shame sweating from my pores the next day.

Unless of course, they come out with Millennial meals where we get some fuckin rad toys or some shit. I may be 40 but fuck if I didn't like throwaway toys n shit.

REMEMBER THESE FUCKIN THINGS?? I would seriously go crazy collecting as many of those as I could as a god damn adult.

I'm actually fairly certain I have a couple of them somewhere in storage.

C'mon McDonald's. Bring those back and give me a cut of them delicious profits for being such a fucking genius.

NFL RECAPULATIONS

Kirkings @ Iggles

Fuckin Eagles - but that's pretty amazing,,,

And also, Philly fans are fucking hilariously creative and god damn they are not a fanbase I want targetting my favorite team. I love how fucking much the Eagles own the Vikes as of late.

Packpackpack @ Failcons

Holy shit, you have two incredible running backs and an offense built around them - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PASSING AT THE 2-YARD-LINE YOU STUPID FUCKERS. ARE YOU DRUNK?

Speaking of being drunk as fuck, Jordan ... you OK down there?

..or maybe it's the whole damn team. I swear Dillon's had a few too many himself,

Dude can't fucking take multiple steps forward without falling (in case you don't understand what the video is demonstrating).

Das Vegas Rrrrrrrrrrrraiders @ Bill's

Vegas scored first, then got their poopoo pushed in by Buffalo, holy fuckin balls.

It's week 2, I'm sure there has to be something to learn here.. and that would be:

committing turnovers = bad
forcing turnovers = good

Also, Josh Allen being bad for one game doesn't a downward trend make. Turns out you need more data to like .. have a good sample size.

(THIS DEMANDS SOUND 🔉)

RIP Josh Jacob fantasy owners. Hahah, 9 carries for -2 yards. How the fuck does that even happeN?

Baldimore @ Bungles

Oh shit. Ravens have wide receivers now? Ruh roh.

..or maybe it's just Llamar vs. the Bengals bullshittery. He is 7-1 vs Cincy.

Rainy city bitch pigeons @ Sad Lions

Last two matchups between these two have been absolutely fuckin wild, and the Seahawks haven't lost since 2012 (which was actually a really close game 24-28). Must be frustrating as fuck for the Lions who are trying to rewrite their legacy of suck.

LAClippers @ Tittans

I should just repost the same Chargers summary from last week, here. How the fuck are people even Chargers fans? Like, why would anyone do that to themselves? Are there really Chargers fans from birth?

They have a generational QB and the motherfucker is 25-26.

L O L
O
L

Come the fuck on, that has to be a joke, right? Fucking fire Staley yesterday. There's no way he survives the season.

Like literally: he will be hunted for sport by week 5.

Daaaa Brrs @ Buccaroos

Justin Fields fuckin sucks, doesn't he? RIGHT??

I just want to thank everyone who outbid or straight-up drafted Fields before I had a chance to in order to protect me from myself and my dumbass opinions.

Every year, the Bears take one step forward, then three steps back, then take a sack.

Baker definitely Bakin' tho.

Chefs @ Jaggin' off

Like most everyone who plays fantasy football, I'm sure they were super fuckin pumped for an offensive fuck-fest. Instead we all got a defensive showdown.

And I know I personally could not be any more disappointed. What the fuck, you guys!? Fucking Chris Jones, you god damn fucking asshole. Why'd you have to come back against Jacksonville??

Lolts @ Texans

Minsherdson is the jorts-wearing, mustache rockin, beer chuggin, two-headed beast no one saw coming.

Along with .. CJ STROUD IS GOOD?? WHAT THE HECK (although some people saw that coming)

9ers @ Ramses

Puka Nacua. I just can't wait to have that fuckin name shoved down my throat over the next couple of weeks.

Is this the Purdy floor? Not bad if it is.

McVay definitely fucked up the spread at the end there. That shit will always make me laugh.

Geee Men @ Cardinals

If you don't love the Giants at their 0-60, then you don't deserve them at their 31-28.

The tank for Caleb (they really gotta come up with a better rhyming phrase by week 5) sweepstakes is still on for 'Zona.

That's Tank Commander Gannondorf to you, private

Jest @ Dallas

Jets Defense: Legit.
Dallas Defense: Legit.

Jets Offense: Oh god. Oh no.
Dallas Offense: Efficient and dependent on kicking.

Just FYI: Jets have like 9 more primetime games this season.

Commies @ Donkeys

Sam Howell has started 24 fewer games than Justin Fields and yet only has two fewer career wins.

Oh wait, they aren't playing against the Bears, they're playing - THE DUMBASS BRONCOS:

AHHH HAHAHHAHAHA

Lolphins @ Greatriots

Don't mind me, just relaxing on the couch for Sunday Night Football, enjoying the Greatriots game,,,

Spotlight on the Patriots when they need a clutch play:

The fuck was that shit!?

Hmm. Cool. Another dumb as fuck set of circumstances that dug the god damn fucking Patriots into a stupid fucking hole they couldn't crawl their inept asses out of. What the fuck.

NOOOOOO @ Car

Oh my God, David Derek Carr is so fuckin bad. His beautiful eyes can't distract from his trash play anymore, it's probably because the silver and black did a much better job at making his natural mascara pop.

Can we please get neither of these dumpster fires in primetime again? Please!?

BOROWNS @ Steeeeers

Man. What a fucking brutal result, and yet another piece of evidence that running backs need better league-wide financial support.

Or ditch the franchise tag or some bullshit, I dunno.

And while that Pittsburgh defense was fucking wild as fuck, holy shit what the god-fearing shit is wrong with their offense? Steeler fans nationwide are starting their own movement,

Recap time!

L - 80.64 (1-1) Team Golder

W - 123.9 (1-1) SmokinJoeSpouse

Welp. The Rachel's Reign of Terror has begun.

I don't want to frighten anyone, but don't let her gain any sort of momentum because she's gonna roll that shit downhill.

Her picking up Van Jefferson? Just a fucking smokescreen, lulling you all into a false sense of security that maybe she is actually human and not some Fantasy Killing Machine.

Probably didn't help that this Aaron Jones dipshit and a certain Diontae Johnson asshole completely fucked Team Golder with fucking goose-eggs. And the Packers D/ST couldn't score a point against the Falcons?

THEY'RE THE FUCKING FALCONS. What the fuck is that shit??

Speaking of WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT: Justin Fields kinda fucking sucks.

Letting down fantasy owners and Bears fans in a way that somehow makes Zach Wilson not look as bad. At least no one on Earth expected Zach to do well, so if the dude just completes a pass people will give him some props.

L - 119.7 (1-1) Hot Start

W - 120.74 (2-0) Butt Fumblers

Hey.

HEY. You fuckin changing your god damn fucking name before I have a chance to writeup your god damn recap?

I guess I can give you a pass because holy fucking hell, WHAT A FUCKING LOSS.

With Bryce Young just kinda sucking his thumb against the Nawlins Saints to the point that Andy "red rifle" Dalton, Mr. I-fucking-suck-in-primetime had to show up, how the fuck did that team not lean on Miles Sanders for just A COUPLE MORE YARDS?

1.05 points. You get that and you could have gotten a fucking win. Holy shit what an absolute fucking brutal loss. And as someone who is 0-2, I'm really going to do everything humanly possible to emphasize how brutal this was.

Shit man, Just look at the 48.7 points you left on the bench that would have easily cleared that hurdle and gotten you the win.

Wait. What the fuck. I'm lookin at the Butt Fumblers' bench and he's also got a shitload of points coming from like every god damn angle. Who the fuck are you guys and why are you hoarding all the quality players?

FUCKING SHARE, YOU FUCKERS.

L - 143.16 (1-1) the peristaltic chain reactions

W - 148.92 (1-1) America First

Yet another matchup that just had to go the fucking distance.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE THESE FUCKING THINGS EARLIER AND Y'ALL HAVE TO DRAG OUT THE MATCHUP TO THE POINT WHERE IT'S A TOSS-UP UNTIL THE VERY LAST GAME ENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT.

Could the rest of you asshole reading this please do me a favor and try to get a decided outcome before fucking 1130pm on Monday?

Anyway, what the fuckall are these point totals? Does everyone have to score 120-140 fucking points? Holy shit, I can't imagine the absolute pain and suffering that must be felt when you score 143+ points and still lose.

Yes, I know I bring that horseshittery up every fucking week when there's a high scoring matchup, but I fucking suck shit at this hobby and the only thing that helps me feel anything regardless of good or bad is ensuring that the other participants can some level of pain.

So like, here is where I'd have to laude America First for a thrilling performance, but frankly fuck that. This motherfucker gets 20+ from four fucking players?? Shit man, 27+ from Jalen Hurts is a great output and he still could have gotten more if he had started that Russell Wilson fuckface?

Man. Fantasy Football is such a god damn bitch goddess. Great win, but fuck that.

W - 132.76 (2-0) Ethel St. False Starts

L - 118.9 (0-2) Captain Rising Sun

Oh gee. Another wild performance. What a shock: also left a few points on the bench.

I guess at least the bench was filled with evil with it scoring 66.6 points. Neat, I say.

But hmm, what more tangible thing could I get obnoxiously angry at? Probably that jerkface Hunter Henry grabbing a bunch of points THAT SHOULD HAVE GONE TO FUCKING BOURNE. AHHHHH.

Sorry sorry, I didn't want to make it all about myself and my team but at this point I'm running out of material. The fuck am I supposed to congratulate Mr. Captain Rising Sun for having the giant fucking balls to start D'Andre Swift? I mean, that's pretty freakin' well done, but a crazy bold move after week one.

Shit, why not go full-insanity and start Cooper over AJ Brown - you god damn madman.

But back to me being passive-aggressively dickish to Ethel St: good luck with Saquads. Despite the god-tier drugs he's getting absolutely blasted with in order to play, suiting up for Thursday Night seems like quite the high order.

As in they'll have him on enough painkillers to be higher than pterodactyl tits.

W - 123.78 (1-1) Bloodfeast Island

L - 118.68 (0-2) I Went to the Real Harvard

Looks like Fake Harvard scores itself a win this week! And it was a weird matchup where the two squads had offensive handcuffs to counter the other teams' Quarterback, and each of them were actually going against one another IRL. Kinda wild that the QB who won on the field Sunday ended up also winning in this matchup!

Warning: I'm going to try to do actual analysis

We had Llamar keeping his shit together and waiting until after the game to let loose.

On the losing end, we had a Joe Brrw do .. pretty good actually, but still fucking lose. Dude is suffering from being too rich to give a shit or something, who knows. Either way, Bloodfeast had a couple of solid handcuffs for Real Harvard in Ja'Marr and Mixon,,, and it maybe worked?

Well, it definitely worked better than the Zay Flowers handcuff of Llamar.

You made it. Analysis attempt, over.

Really, the game came down to the Saints D/ST pushing the Bloodfeast Islandmen over the top with a measly 9.0 point performance on Monday Night. Holy shit, I can't even imagine what it must have felt like actually giving a shit about that Carolina/Saints game. It was fucking terrible.

L - 113.84 (0-2) The Lying Media

W - 141.26 (2-0) Two hotdogs one bun

Fuckin rad. My god damn fucking fantasy season is in a nosedive bcause I can't get out of my own way and thinking the Bourne Legacy would have been any good compared to either Tyler Lockett or Christian Kirk. I mean, there was no way I was going to not start Ridley so in reality there was no way I was going to win this stupid fucking week.

On the bright side, at least Danny Dipshit decided to show up for the 2023 NFL season.

On the not-so-bright side, RIP Nick Chubb.

As much as I want to bitch and fuckin moan about my team falling like deadweight, I should probably let that take place next week because I'm almost assuredly going to continue fucking dropping. For now I'll just let people mourn the death of Chubb's reconstructed knee on the football field. After all he is a human and I'm simply a sack of shit.

So I dunno, good win Two hotdogs one bun, you fucking asshole. God damn it you got fucking 36 points from Kirk fucking Cousins of all people. Shit man, and Tee Higgins decided to start playing, and Mike Evans apparently isn't done. So fucking happy that Travis Kelce is back too, fucking whoop-dee-doo.

Fuck me.

Ekiert Family Power Rankings

1. Smokin Joe Spouse
2. Smokin Joe Calculus

Fin.

Holy fuck. 4339 words. I kinda went off the rails with that fast food thing, huh? Christ. I guess me going 0-4 in my fantasy leagues is the fuel I need for the dumpster fire that is my entire fantasy football existence.

Welp, I hope everyone enjoyed at least one paragraph in there and I gotta really temper expectations because there is no fucking way I'm pulling a novel out of my loose asshole every week.

..but maybe..

Until next week my dudes, I hope everyone has a wonderful start of Oktoberfest last weekend and fall tomorrow. Drink up, binge responsibly, and stay safe - so you can come right back here and enjoy another one of these fucking idiotic complications next week.

Take care - love you guys.