Au Reservoir
Yeah.
I ain't got shit for this one outside maybe a meme or two,
Football happened.
Actually, two weeks of football happened: week 17 and a game or two on Saturday from week 18 before I finally get this shit out. My bad. It's 2022 and it's gettin harder and harder to get out of the bed by 11am.
But whatever, everyone's playin hurt this time of year. Everyone has to make sacrifices for the betterment of the sport. No individual is bigger than the Shield No no no, not James Shields. I'm talking about The Shield.
God damn it, no, not the show with Mikey Chiklis god fucking damn it.
The SHIELD, god damn it. The fuck is wrong with you? It's just a stupid acronym and it's probably the biggest shit in media/entertainment now, only influencing more and more of popular culture.
Fuck man. Not only is that wrong but god damn it reminds me of how dirty The Mouse did so many of those really good Marvel/MCU shows. God damn. Like. The fuck are they doin with Agent 19's watch? The fuck did Mockingbird ever god damn do to Mickey, huh? HUH?
But yeah, wrong fucking Shield you dipshit. Fortunately there can't be any other wrong answers left.
...
fuck this.
But for reals,
I ain't got shit for week 17 games, and good thing too because the week 18 games literally start as I'm writing this right now.
Proof.
So yeah, some people save their best material for last, other people start off on the right foot, then there are some of us that exist only to be anxious of the next task that needs completion. And don't worry, that anxiety has been driving me to photoshop and write dumbassery for decades, so it has to be good.
Team DJ BOMB SQUAD
in the beginning
There was DJ.
Then DJ went to BOMB SQUAD school.
Eventually, secondary BOMB SQUAD school, undergrad BOMB SQUAD, and then finally: post grad BOMB SQUAD.
DJ BOMB SQUAD was born. And in reality, carries a Ph.D. in BOMB SQUAD.
So like. When do we start?
Those first six weeks were a shit-show. Sure, you never went under .500 at any point but you also never won more than one game in a row.
But the seeds were there. The hints of future greatness were only beginning to blossom. Take your week five victory over the electric avenue shit sandwiches where you scored 212 fucking points.
Josh Allen. Jonathan Taylor. Cordarrelle Patterson, Robert Woods, Ja'Marr Chase, Mark Andrews. What the fuck? How the fuck did you not go undefeated?
I understand that not all those names panned out ... but most of them fucking did. As in, all but really one in Woods. Patterson is absolutely worthy of an RB2 or WR2.
I mean .. what the absolutely fuck am I looking at:
Fuckin electric avenue losing with llama goin wild, lmao
Hittin that stride of pride
By week 7 though, this motherfucker figured something out and started a nice little four game win streak that helped set him apart from the rest of the dipshits as far as the playoffs were concerned.
Week 7 - W 124.62-116.12 vs. 2Girls CooperKupp
Week 8 - W 137.86-102.2 vs. Fingers Crossed 🤞
week 9 - W 119.96-51.56 vs electric avenue shit sandwiches
week 10 - W 127.94-74.3 vs Ethel St False Start
And in those weeks, Ja'Marr Chase and Jonathan Taylor accounted for 48% of all the points scored by Team DJ BOMB SQUAD. Isn't that fucking crazy? In fact, in that four week stretch, if you placed all the fantasy points end to end they would wrap around almost 28% of my ego!
Of course, going 2-2 in the final four weeks isn't great but who the fuck cares, you the champion.
Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?
They're recent in memory, and they feature an incredible first round performance,
Antonio Brown. Fucker scored 20.1 points in week 16. Poor guy thought he could carry that mojo into week 17. But instead he went absolutely fucking bonkers and ran off the fucking field.
Heh. But we all also saw Josh Allen, Mark Andrews, and a slew of players just tear McCorkle apart. Almost effortlessly.
The Final Time
W 157.8 (11-5) Team DJ BOMB SQUAD 🏆
L 143.7 (11-5) Corpus Callosum
Man. I have no fuckin clue if the final records are accurate. for whatever reason simple math at this point of the fantasy season is god damn fuckin impossible.
But yeah, at this point I think I've spoiled the outcome of this matchup.
Well. Really, it was Ja'Marr Chase who really spoiled the ending of this matchup with his god damn insane 79 point output.
And it's kind of fucking nutty gone crazy (or exactly as it should since more points = more wins) that in the other leagues I'm in, every single champion has Ja'Marr Chase, and two have Chase and JTD.
Some food for thought.
Fin.
Welp. There we go. I hope people enjoyed the column, it was pretty fuckin fun if I do say so myself. Which I did say myself. ..
Anyway, I loved the Commissioner's End of Year awards - maybe I'll immortalize them in some way somewhere in here. That is if I don't run out of room due to my DB cheap-skate-ness. Already looking forward to whatever kind of shenanigans turns up during next fantasy football season.
Best of luck out there, and until I see any of you fuckers: take care, stay healthy and safe, and hope you all have a wonderful and successful 2022!
Enjoy more photos and videos of my growing petting zoo!
I was somehow able to capture the action on my hyperslo-mo camera that records at 10,000 frames per second:
You gotta bulk up a little, Cashew.
And last but absolutely not least, here's how I feel when you guys message me about enjoying the column - not any specific column, not the latest one, not all of them, just any .. shit, it could just be one that a fellow league-member told you about. But when I read that email/text it just,,,
Love you guys. Have a great 2022 and see you at the draft!