So many incredible games over so many days. It was pretty awesome. I caught most of the Thursday game which felt like it took place two weeks ago, and then a bunch of the Saturday games in between scrambling for last minute Christmas purchases and shit.

Then came Saturday where I didn't catch a whiff of NFL games until maybe 5 minutes into the Patriots game because we were over at the wife's family having an absolutely incredibly fun time. I was downing Tree House IPAs like they were the fuckin antidote. Shooting the shit with inlaws, making the little kids laugh, and generally trying not to stumble and knock over expensive furniture.

It wasn't without its challenges: the aforementioned kids, while fuckin adorable in small doses, have zero original thoughts in their head.

"Oh, Joe come on. They range from like 4 to 9-years-old."

Fuck that. These pip-squeaks come over with their fake food and just keep dropping off donut after donut after slice of cake after french fries after broccoli and think that shit is funny? Bitch, if I were an actual paying customer there is no way I'd actually pay for all that god damn food. Get off me with that shit. Overloading my plate with a bunch of garbage I didn't order isn't going to get a positive review from me. That's the shit that would motivate me to sign up for Yelp simply to leave a negative review.

And don't get me started on your fucking hide-and-seek bullshit. You stomp your asses away when some kid starts counting like they're not going to know you all went to the same fucking room upstairs? And then when some kid actually gets inspired and picks a room on the first floor and wins the round, all you god damn monsters end up copying that kid and literally all hide in that same first floor room. Don't even get me started on how you all can't seem to keep your eyes shut when you count, too. Is it so hard to fuckin count to 30?

Fuckin kids, man. So god damn adorable but for some reason they can't help but make up rules to favor themselves. Where's the compassion, diplomacy, and organizational skills? You're fuckin five-years-old, how difficult is it to understand the complexities of a scaling point system??

God damn, man. I don't know about this whole future we have upcoming.

The games

Saints @ Ramses

Rams are a team no one wants to face.

Saints are a team everyone wants to face.

Puka Nacua means no worries.

And that concludes my intensive recap of this game.

Bungles @ Steeeers

Well there’s Josh Doubs and Flacco and Browning and Wilson, Levis and Minshew and Zappe and Winston…

But do you recall? The most famous backup of all...

PS. I wish the announcers would have just shut the fuck up

Bill's @ LAClippers

So I don't get it. Are the Chargers much better than advertised? Do the Cowboys fuckin suck after their humiliating loss to the Bill's the week before? Or are the Bills just the most bi-polar fucking team in the NFL this season? What the fuck?

Oh. The Chargers fired Staley last week didn't they? Hah. Yeah this makes more sense now.

Lolts @ Failcons

Check out this behind-the-scenes shot of Minshew post-game,

God damn. What a fucking dumpster fire of two franchises.

Seadonkeys @ I forgot

You tried to run to Tennessee Tanneyhill, but you could never escape your fate as a fucking garbage quarterback.

Loins @ Vikes

RIP Buccaneers have an NFC North (Central) division win more recently than the Lions do. It was a good and mildly hilarious run.

Of course, it wasn't like the Lions didn't try to completley fuck themselves over - they are the Lions after all. Those NFL Fat Guys really need to just fall on the ball.

Commies @ Jest

Ron Rivera just kinda sucks, huh? Those Riverboat Ron memes were fun, though.

Jacoby Briskett deserves so much better.

Packpackpack @ Bear's Draft Pick

I didn't catch any of this shit, but every time I look up any sort of discussion it has everyone shitting all over Joe Barry. Like,, literally every single piece of commentary has that as the dominating topic.

I bet he doesn't survive the rest of the regular season, and there's only like two more weeks left. If the Packers make the playoffs, I'd fuckin laugh at an interim head coach leading the way into round one.

BOROWNS @ Tejans

Fuckin cut Deshaun, sign Joe Flacco, and put up his statue now. In that order.

God Hates Jags @ Buccos

Wow. NFC South has a division leader with record above .500 right now. This is indeed a disturbing universe.

But at least Tampa Bay is having fun,

STLCards @ Brrs

I do not fuckin care. Like, at all.

DaLLLLLas @ Fish

Seems like this was a good game and I should have watched it.

However, I was simply way too busy having a fucking blast and chugging delicious 7% IPAs.

Greatriots @ Land Donkeys

With the news that Russell Wilson is now going to sit for the final two games of the season so the Broncos can cut his ass in the offseason, it's just .... incredible.

Some would interpret the above image as Belichick completely grinching the Patriots from a top draft pick, and while there is some truth to that,,,

I frankly do not fucking care because I seriously hate the Broncos that much. I don't give a shit how far down the draft we fall, if we're the reason they don't make the playoffs that'll mean a 100% success on the 2023 season.

How bad could dropping out of the top 3 be anyway? How many more players does this team really need to be competitive?

Anyway: Get fucked, Denver [Broncos]. Absolutely crushing a beautiful run make sme fucking happy as shit.

If there was one significant regret, it'd be that I didn't bet on the game. Apparently, the Denver Broncos absolutely fucking hate their fans to the point where they've been ruining Christmas for years,

Rrrrrrrrraiders @ Chefs

OK MOTHER FUCKERS. PREPARE YOUR ANUS, HERE COME THE MEMES

You gotta love when the entire internet gets together to have some fun.

GEEEEE-Men @ Iggles

Just picture it:

Thousands of little guido children waking up Christmas morning, running to the tree, and unwrapping their brand new (highly expensive) Tommy DeVito jerseys. Of course, they rip that tag off, toss the jersey on, have some breakfast lasagna, and get ready for another chapter in the incredible Giants/Eagles rivalry.

And then watch their passing paisano hero get fucking salami-slammed off the field.

RIP to Italian Stereotype #84,104 Man.

Baldimore @ 9ers

I'd like to start off with a moment of silence.

OK, moment over. Time to dance on the grave of another asshole that everyone wants to be the next Tom Brady.

Enough about Borck - time to talk about winners: Llamar is 20-1 vs the NFC, with their only loss against the Giants. But I wouldn't even count that given the Giants' propensity for fucking ruining perfect record/streaks (see: What they did to Eli Manning's streak).

Semifinal Roundup

Aaaaand here's the updated bracket:

https://i.imgur.com/roQcdFq.png

W - Team Name

L - America First

Holy fuckin shit, man.

Speaking as a lowly asshole who didn't even sniff the playoffs, Team Name is already the people's champ now that they've made it to the fucking Finals after a 6-8 regular season record. This fucker is absolutely riding the highest of highs after a god-like performance from Amari Cooper.

That motherfucker scored 51.5 points.

That output easily took care of the complete pile of shit left behind by Brock Purdy and Davante Adams. This Team Name motherfucker has a lot to consider before next week: does he start Borck or Love? I mean, there's no way that Purdy sucks like this for a second straight week, right?? There's just no way? God damn bullshit like that would keep me up at night.

America First tried his god damned hardest, but despite the return of Jonathan Taylor Touchdown,

He just couldn't muster the might to overcome a fucking Browns receiver.

You read that right: a fucking Browns receiver shouldered the weight of an entire fantasy football roster.

Cleveland had to drag Flacco out of god damn retirement, and yet they are competing and scoring crazy points as a resurgent offensive juggernaut?? What the fuck is going on??

L - Two hotdogs one bun

W - Air Force

OH YEAH LOOK AT THIS OUTPUT FROM Two hotdogs one bun:

• 25 points from Tee-Shirt Higgins?
• 27+ from Mikey Evans???
• 12 points from Ravens D/ST
• -1.0 from McAnus? No .. wait

43.1 from Breece Hall??

Sure, you got bullshit from that Trevor Lawrence asshole, but there's no way you lose with that kind of lineup right? RIGHT??

God damn Fantasy Football is so fucking stupid.

Air Force continues to just fuck around and get himself the W from a combination of,

• The Sun God
• CompactDisc Lamb
• Tyreek "shoved his pregnant girlfriend down a" Hill

And then you toss in an actual good performance from Tractorcito, and a dabble of this Kyren motherfucker, and bam: Air Force got himself into the fucking finals.

The god damn Sun God just might be the Fantasy Football MVP this year. Dude is so unbelievably consistent and high scoring, he has easily worked his way up to top-pick considerations by next season. Every fucking week I look to see his scoring, I can't help but react in the same fucking way:

I COULD HAVE HAD THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN A GOD DAMN FUCKING TRADE. FUCKING SHIT. I SHOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY GOTTEN RID OF THAT BIJAN PILE OF DEAD WEIGHT. FUCKING ARTHUR SMITH, YOU FUCKED ME.

In all, I rate this brutal loss a 5,

Fin.

Come join us, America First and Two hotdogs one bun

And with that, week 16 is done and the holidays are almost complete - don't forget about New Year's Eve and the Epiphany (for all you religious nutbags).

I hope everyone had the opportunity to take some time off, rest up, maybe have a couple mental rest days, and is excited for the thrilling conclusion of our Fantasy Football season. I can't believe we're almost there. It almost makes me sad.

Almost.

Thankfully, we still have the real football playoffs in front of us, absolutely packed with storylines and other kind of bullshit that only reality can manifest.

So again, I hope everyone has themselves a wonderful week 17, is able to take a day or two to savor the last couple days of 2023, and realize that they matter and whatever resolution is part of 2024 can be a fuckin reality because fuck you life, you don't get to control every aspect of my life motherfucker, so enjoy my boot up your asshole.

Take care everyone, much love! See you all next year!